Hate Me Tomorrow

next week is the last days of school for this semester. after that, one last semester and im gone to the real world. honestly its something i really dont want to do but yea. wer fated to wake up every morning for the morning commute so. i feel old. like im graduating college and ill be working really soon. so i shud make the best out of my youth ya? nah. im fine with my boring life. my boring everday routine. i dont really go out much. i dont talk to people either. i dont hook up! haha. being young doesnt mean being a whore. no offense. its just that everybody's doing it. good thing im not everybody.

it's the room, the sun, and the sky.

I've been waiting. i've been waiting for this moment all my life but it's not quite right. And this 'real', it's impossible if possible at who's blind word so clear but so unheard. I've been waiting. i've been waiting for this silence all night long. it's just a matter of time to appear sad with the same 'ol decent lazy eye fixed to rest on you.

I never stopped loving you.

Cosmopolitan Bloodloss

gusto ko sumakay ng bus papuntang calabarzon. o papuntang tacloban. o kahit saan. anywhere but here. this morning i was thinking- if i see alabang hills one more time, i swear i'll puke my brains out. i just want to be anywhere but here. be anyone but me. im so fuckin sick of myself. everything is so routine. every fuckin single day. i wake up, make myself look cute as shit, go out there, get my skin sunburned. and for what it's worth? to get a fuckin diploma? to get a career? career my ass. careers are a 21st century invention and i dont want one. i want to go out there. buy an inflatable raft. sail the amazon. get cut and bruised up. meet native folks. get chased by underground guerillas. probably get caught and be tortured. its probably worth it. and that, that is the better way of getting sunburned.

I TRANSFERRED MY BLOGS FROM THE OTHER SITE TO HERE SO THE TIMELINE IS KINDF MESSED UP BUT I TRIED TO ORDER IT AS NEATLY AS I CAN SO

Chapter 10 - Alive

Do you have any idea how strong Corazon Aquino is. Last three weeks, i think, they announced that she lost appetite right? and then she lasted i think 2 weeks? My dad also had colon cancer and when he lost appetite he died only a few days after. yea my dad had cancer. my lolo had cancer. my great great lolo had cancer. so yea. meaning. me and my brother ARE gonna get cancer. how sad right? im sure youre like "dude dats ok matagal pa yun" yea bka mtgal p ko magkacancer but i have my own ailments as early as now. i have chronic cellulitis wherein my skin destroys itself. which triggers basically when im stressed(heat, exhaustion, over thinking). how sad right? i also have asthma which i outgrew maybe because i smoke and im ridiculously active. plus with my vices? im probably gonna have even more as i grow older. maybe dats why im not THAT into the future. bcos i think i have to make the most out of my today. im not lazy. im really not. sir winston even defended me from other professors for doing things in a very 'short' way. thats just how i want things. i want it short but precise. yea and they dont ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" because i just dont answer. maybe when i grow up i dont want to be anything. maybe because when i grow up i just want to be alive.

Chapter 9: Goodbyes = Good Mornings

last night i sent my last apology. no more blaming. no more crying. i realized im not fixing anything if i just keep on getting mad with the situation and with myself. maybe ive been forcing myself to feel things just for the sake of feeling them. dont get me wrong. i love jp. i love him like crrrazy. but maybe its not the thing about 'us' thats driving me mad lately. maybe i lost myself in the process of loving him. maybe ive been excessively blaming myself. the thing is. i wanted him to love me so much that i threw away pieces of myself. so i could be perfect in his eyes. but you know wat. if you do that, at the end of the day, you look at yourself, you dont even know who you are anymore. you keep on asking yourself why something feels wrong if what you want is exactly what you got. and then youll start blaming. you blame him. you blame yourself. you blame God. you blame every single motherfuckin thing you see for the void you feel. we forget wat used to feel good when we do the things we do everyday. and then it all falls down to one very simple logic. maybe. just maybe. maybe youre not the one for him. maybe im not for him. i dont eat fine dining at pasta restaurants. i cant just drink coffee and chat the night away. i sit on the floor. my bag is full of paper and trash. i listen to crappy music. i drink a lot. i am not the goody goody boyfriend material he wished for. and i will never be. what matters is--- as a boyfriend, yea i sucked. but as a lover. i think i did my part.